Are You an Online Dating Virgin?

Don’t worry, losing this virginity is way easier and far less awkward. Just follow our 10 simple steps.


by Kathleen Murray

Let's face it: meeting someone isn't easy. Between working all hours and spending what time you do have with good friends and family, who's got the energy to look for love? Even worse, maybe all your friends are hooked up, and you've already been through their friends too. Next step: the Internet. Your relationship future starts here.

Step 1: Get an online dating–only email account. You thought the Viagra spam was embarrassing? Hot stuff like you is bound to be bombed with emails from potential mates, so don't use your work email for something so personal (just imagine your boss peering over your shoulder). And make sure that the site you pick protects your identity by stripping out your email address and real name. (Disclaimer: GreatBoyfriends.com routes all emails through your message center so you'll never get a direct email from a stranger, unless you want to...) Don't forget to check the signature box at the end of your emails -- it could give away crucial information.

Step 2: Refine your profile. This is how mate-seekers are going to determine whether or not you're worth their time, so see what your ex/coworker/sibling/friend wrote to make sure they weren't taking too many creative liberties with the answers. "Keep in mind that your photo and profile are your online representatives, 24/7, and you want them to be the best possible reflection of you," says online relationship coach Kathryn Lord. First, make sure it's a good pic, not too styled, not too posed (glamour shots, graduation photos, and passport pics can work, as long as they're not the only photos you post). Then, read through the recommendation -- though you can't put words in your matchmaker's mouth, you should have veto power over any truly embarrassing stories (like the time you got seasick at prom).

Step 3: Play the field. Yeah, your friend thinks you'd be a great catch, but someone may not even stumble across your smiling mug. "I always encourage everyone to take the initiative," Lord says. "You're much more likely to get what you want if you're doing the picking." First tip: don't restrict your search. If you choose extremely limited parameters, you'll be excluding too many people. The best advice? Start with a small search (for instance, someone two to five years on either side of your age); you can always broaden it later (i.e., if you find yourself constantly looking for someone with a big dog). Lord agrees, "Women always search for a man over six feet tall, but that's only 15% of the population!" And who wants to lose out 85% of the dating population!

Step 4: Learn how to flirt… over email that is. Ask your friends and family members to analyze your general email tone. Is your humor obvious? Is it too obvious? Do you seem too terse? Are you hip to the slang? (Here's a quick cheat sheet. HAK: hugs and kisses; TTYL: talk to you later; LOL: laughing out loud, lot's of luck, or lot's of love – see why you need some schooling?) Tell them to look for specific things: one, the pushiness factor (does it seem like you're begging for a response); two, the unfriendly factor (are your sentences so short it seems like you're too busy for a relationship?); and three, the genuine factor (do you come off sincere or sketchy).

Step 5: Send five emails. Don't just sit by the mouse, waiting (especially for you girls reading this, chivalry is dead). Lord recommends writing several emails at once, so you won't get too fixated on any one person. For the first contact, keep is short and sweet (and use the pointers your friend/editor gave you). Refer the reader to your profile, tell them how to find it, then invite them to email you back if they would like to get to know you better. “If you don't hear from the person, accept that as a “no” and move on to the next,” Lord says.

Step 6: Get more info, if you need it. Sometimes, we don't even realize the things that are important to us (like someone who loves big dogs). While you're getting to know one another through your oh-so witty emails, test the waters. If a hot topic like religion, marriage and family, social life, and careers and finance is not covered in the profile, find out where they stand. Lucky for online daters, there is a presumed permission to ask the tough questions up front. If you need to dig for more dirt, ask questions that are simple and direct. Try: “I noticed your profile (did or didn't) mention _____. What are your thoughts on it?” If you two don't see eye-to-eye on something, it's up to you to decide how important it is to you.

Step 7: Dealing with rejection. The world of web dating has made the rejection part much easier to swallow because the proverbial pond is that much bigger. "There are so many qualified singles available to each other that one person saying 'no' doesn't need to be the end of the world," Lord says. And remember, it's most likely not you. Maybe she has some weird obsession that you don't share, or he has a thing for supershort girls. Learn to welcome the quick and painless "no's" so you don't try to build a relationship that was doomed from the start.

Step 8: Dishing out rejection. But this is equal opportunity dating -- you need to learn to say "no" too, kindly of course. If you're just not into the person contacting you, tell them…right away. Time is money, my friend, and you don't want to be paying for bad manners. Lord says to thank them for their interest, note something nice, and then say firmly that you do not see a match. Wish them well in their efforts to find Ms. or Mr. Right.

Step 9: Nix the naysayers. Let's face it: you will have some close-minded friends who won't see the merits of online dating. Or you may be embarrassed to explain that you met this great catch on the Internet. Don't be. It doesn't matter how you found your perfect partner, it just matters that you did. As for the cynics? Avoid them. "It's always good when you're trying new things to surround yourself with people that are championing you," Lord says. "Find people that are online dating, and people that it's working for."

Step 10: Don't give up. Persistence pays off. Realize that more people join the online dating union every day. Plus, people's moods are different day to day, hour to hour; someone who might not have responded yesterday, could today or next week. "I know that there is a mate out there for everyone who wants one, and Internet dating has made it much more likely that everyone who wants a mate can find each other," Lord says. It's easy to get discouraged and overwhelmed, but you never know . . . the next time you log in, you might find the one.

Think you need a relationship coach? Visit Kathryn Lord's Website, www.Find-A-Sweetheart.com, for more information.