THE RED-RUMPED WALL-BANGER

(This next guy is not really a Jerkball, but we are using him as an example anyway, because sometimes Cande and I are Jerkballettes.)

Magnus Rascalus
Field Marks: ugly pink zipper burns over 49% of his body due to fast pants removal
Where Found: Never in a relationship

DEAR E. JEAN: Mr. Wrong and I were INSANELY in love with each other, absolutely nuts, and planned to marry. But I couldn't take the chaos surrounding his drinking. So I ended it.

That was a few years ago. I've felt deeply emotional about him ever since. Fast forward to now. He married, separated, and is currently getting divorced. So I thought: "Why not call him?" I did and we arranged to meet that evening. Within an hour of walking through the door, we were on the floor going at it like fiends.

We have the most phenomenal sex I've ever had! Seen! Or read about in my life! I'm literally stumbling into walls for days after. Problem is: weekends, lunches, dinners, trips together, etc., are out of the question. He claims he's "not ready for a relationship."

My question to you is: Why would a healthy, successful, self-sufficient, happy-to-be single, 36 year old woman be driven into such a wretched state where I can't even work, sleep or focus anymore. I'm panicked at how out of control I feel now. It's been six months of this. He keeps asking me to be patient and not stop seeing him. I know I should walk away, but the physical magic is what I'm hooked on. It feels like love to me again.

—Bewitched

BEWITCHED, YOU GIDDY BAGGAGE: Is he still drinking?

If the answer's yes, then run like a banshee.

If he's sober . . . well, now. Since never in the entire history of the ASK EEEeee Column (or GreatBoyfriends.com) has any woman ever been advised to stop having "phenomenal" sex, I suggest you regain a little control the next time he calls, by saying:

"I wouldn't mind seeing you, Eagle Balls, but first you're taking us out for cheeseburgers."

Oh, he'll display a good deal of chest-puffing and wing flapping; perhaps he'll even molt; but stick to your guns. You'll prevail, because underneath all that high wild sex, I suspect you love one another. He may be hesitating now because you ditched him before and because he's just had his wings clipped in a divorce. So give it a couple more chances. Then if he balks, bye bye Birdie.